Belonging and Self abandonment

Sometimes we see through the persona we use to hide our real self, and understand that the need to hide comes from childhood traumas of the fear of not belonging. 

As I see it the fear of rejection, of not belonging, arises when we have already abandoned ourselves. That happens very early on, when we don't feel welcomed into the world, when that delight which is there for every parent with the gift of a newborn, is not fully received. Very simply we come with a 'yes', and are met with a 'no'. We have no resources at that time to deal with that rejection, so we take it as legitimate. There must be something wrong with us. And we have to hide it. We abandon ourselves shamelessly in order to receive the affection we crave, and we continue to do so well in to adulthood. 

How to find ourselves again? If we are lucky we discover that we were never lost, that we were there all the time. That realisation comes in as many ways as there are people, when we realise we did it to ourselves, in response to circumstances which were not of our making. Taking responsibility for that puts it firmly back in our court, we are no longer victims but actors. 

Whether we are truly seen by others, or whether we can truly see others, is another way of putting the process which puts the emphasis on external relationships, rather than what goes on inside us. Both are important, but I see being whole in myself has to come first.

Anna

Walk like a Man

"Walk like a Man

This morning, walking to the gym, my left arthritic hip was feeling sore, I was limping along, and trying to balance out my walking. I had seen these two men pass me by, and one in particular was taking up a lot of room in his walking. I began to imitate his walking throwing my shoulders around, using my whole body as we are taught in Feldenkrais, letting all your body respond to your movement as it did when you were a baby. It felt very freeing, and strangely my hip was less sore. 

This ties in with my feeling recently that those qualities which we think of as masculine or feminine come more from our culture and tradition, and are not determined by our biology. Using my whole body I became aware how I usually try to take up as little space as possible. I was taking big strides and flailing my arms. It felt almost aggressive. As a woman when we sit, it's not usually with our legs apart like a man, it's usually with legs crossed, contracting the space we use. I don't think that was ever taught, but it was implied. Of course I am from an older generation. It is changing somewhat, we had no choice in tight skirts and high heels, but kids now can choose big boots and jeans.

All this is also connected I feel with the fact that it is my left hip which is stiff and painful, the left side being more traditionally associated with the feminine, creative, vulnerable, emotional side. I was brought up in that tradition and only recently in the last 5 years -and I'm almost 80 - have I begun to question it. My right hip is fine. The constrictions of growing up as a female in the 40s and 50s have left their mark and I have to think myself into walking like a man in order to throw off those inhibitions. 

Of course I am making the same assumptions as I criticised above, in thinking there is a man's way of walking and a woman's way of walking. There is no such clear distinction. We are in transition from these binary divisions, and something is transitioning inside me too, allowing me to become aware of the ways that thinking of myself as female has constricted me, and encouraging me to claim the space that I imagine men taking. These categories are not so easily discarded. 

So if you see me charging down Main St in Hebden Bridge, taking great strides and flailing my arms, you'll know I'm just discovering me!"

The validity of subjective experience

What we are seeing currently is a challenge to conventional gender divisions, based on claims to the 'validity of subjective experience'. LGBTQ plus non binary offer a whole range of alternatives to those who feel constricted by conventional gender assignments. This choice is being given to children as young as 10 years old within the UK education system, and the UK Labour Party has recently agreed to accept applicants for women's positions from those who 'self-identify as women'.

Questioning gender divisions also challenges our whole notion of what we think of as 'masculine' and 'feminine' qualities.  

There is beginning to be a recognition of the validity of a subjective experience, which is not tied to social norms. This freedom allows us to see that though there may be distinct biological differences, (and even these vary much more than is generally supposed) between masculine and feminine, this does not define qualitative differences between genders. Women are free to be as 'masculine' as they want and vice versa. This is acknowledged within enlightenment philosophies, by proposing that everybody has both masculine and feminine qualities within them, 'the yin yang paradigm'. Although this makes a nonsense of the distinction between masculine and feminine qualities, yet it seems difficult for people to abandon that mindset.