Sometimes we see through the persona we use to hide our real self, and understand that the need to hide comes from childhood traumas of the fear of not belonging.
As I see it the fear of rejection, of not belonging, arises when we have already abandoned ourselves. That happens very early on, when we don't feel welcomed into the world, when that delight which is there for every parent with the gift of a newborn, is not fully received. Very simply we come with a 'yes', and are met with a 'no'. We have no resources at that time to deal with that rejection, so we take it as legitimate. There must be something wrong with us. And we have to hide it. We abandon ourselves shamelessly in order to receive the affection we crave, and we continue to do so well in to adulthood.
How to find ourselves again? If we are lucky we discover that we were never lost, that we were there all the time. That realisation comes in as many ways as there are people, when we realise we did it to ourselves, in response to circumstances which were not of our making. Taking responsibility for that puts it firmly back in our court, we are no longer victims but actors.
Whether we are truly seen by others, or whether we can truly see others, is another way of putting the process which puts the emphasis on external relationships, rather than what goes on inside us. Both are important, but I see being whole in myself has to come first.
Anna
Anna, I particularly appreciate your concept of self-abandonment, which, I agree, can be prompted by encounters with No -- when love is conditional -- when we are told, in so many words, that something is wrong with us, that we must somehow prove ourselves to be worthy of love. I also agree with accepting personal responsibility, that we did it to ourselves. However, I would not shift total responsibility. I would say: "We are not merely victims; we are also actors." And I agree that both the external and the internal are important. In fact, I would say that they are equally important and change in each arena needs to happen simultaneously, reinforcing each other in a never-ending process. I don't see ever becoming totally "whole in myself." I'm forever vulnerable to becoming fragmented, and need to accept that when it happens, so I can move beyond it..
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