Responding to a Complimant

As a child we need acknowledgement of our feelings and needs, and we welcome being seen and admired for who we are. Our aim is to please, to stimulate smiles of approval, even applause. When we make mistakes we are dismayed and can freeze or be paralysed with confusion. These sorts of connections with carers have been fundamental to infant survival in past eras, and are essential to developing empathy and connections with others.

All these emotions remain with us as adults, the child is still there hoping for recognition, looking for those who will agree. We carry our ideas like this baby self looking for approval. The demands of this baby self can be very loud and can often blot out our ability to listen to others with their different needs and opinions, different vulnerabilities. We have to learn we are just one of many, each needs a turn to be heard. When we receive praise we bask in the glory and allow ourselves the pleasure of having these infant needs met.

Not understanding these needs can be a source of conflict, focussed on in non violent communication. As an adult we can hold these childhood needs without them becoming overwhelming. Being in touch with these parts of ourselves can help us come into what Buddhists call 'right relationship', responding to the deeper aspect of being human, which includes care for each other and the planet. We are no longer reliant on instant gratification, but have a deeper concern for justice, autonomy, freedom. These ethical concerns arise once our childhood needs have received attention, and we can listen to others without the overwhelming demand to be heard.

As a woman I have learned to accept compliments with a demure 'thank you', even when I wanted to retort "piss off", for the way such compliments tucked me into a category over which I had no control. As an older woman such compliments come less frequently, but now it's for being wise. I guess most of us lap up compliments, but gradually my feeling told me I no longer felt nourished by this praise. It nourishes a younger part of me that needed it then, and the part of me which still craves attention and recognition. But when I can be centred in presence in the Now, it feels irrelevant, a seduction to return to an earlier way of boosting my morale. Is this a question of maturity, or just seeing through the sugary wrapping I fed myself with for so long?